by Linda Campanella
“Erasing” is an act that seems especially difficult when one is coming to terms with loss and grief. Dad still has not felt inclined or able to erase the greeting on his answering machine at home; his sweetheart’s voice exists in our memories and, more accessibly, on that tape. I experience a surge and complex mix of emotions every time I call and hear the recorded message rather than my father’s live voice. I’m not sure exactly how I feel about hearing Mom asking me to please leave a message at the beep, and I can only imagine what Dad is feeling and struggling with as he contemplates whether and when to tape over her voice with his own.
I wrote that paragraph a few months after my terminally ill mother’s death at age 74 in 2009. At the time, my overflowing grief was finding release through my fingers and taking shape on the pages of what became a memoir, published in 2011, about our joy-filled last year together and my first few months without her.
Sometimes curious readers ask me if the voice on my father’s answering machine today is still my mother Nan’s.
Yes, it is. And no, I’m no longer ambivalent about how I feel when I hear my mother asking me to leave a message. The voice on the answering machine is a cherished reminder of the mother I miss every day. Of course I wish she were really on the other end of my calls, but it’s still nice to hear her speaking to me if Dad isn’t home to answer the phone. I wish I had taped her saying other things, telling stories, laughing. Sadly, I didn’t.
Sometimes I wonder, but have never asked, if Dad ever plays the recording in moments when he finds himself missing Nan especially much, yearning to see her, to touch her, to hear her, to feel connected with her.
Four years after wondering aloud, through my book, whether and when my father might feel inclined to erase and tape over his beloved wife’s voice, I received my answer quite unexpectedly. It came in the form of an email message from Dad to my three siblings and me; I found it in my inbox this morning.
One of the two phones which several years ago came with my (our) telephone answering machine has been kaputt for some time. More recently, the still-functioning unit is showing increasingly acute signs of disease (it just went dead as I was speaking with B five minutes ago).
I am seriously considering buying a replacement set (again, with 2 separate receivers). Just a few days ago Linda gave me a brochure about “special bargains” to be had at Costco’s until the end of this month. And there is a comparable set at $20.00 savings off the “regularly discounted prices”! I think that I will splurge.
Regarding the message which greets any incoming caller: Should there be any problem copying Nan’s message into the new system? I don’t think so; I will play Nan’s message when the new system asks to record the greeting message. Please wish me luck.
I did wish him luck. After I wiped the tears from my eyes.
He loved my mother so, so much.
Did you notice the word “our” in parentheses? Sometimes it’s still difficult for him to say “my” when describing things that once were theirs. To say “my” must feel a bit like “erasing,” I suppose.
Maybe some callers who know Mom died four years ago think it’s weird that her voice still hasn’t been erased and taped over. But those who’ve experienced loss and grief will understand how those left behind cling to whatever makes us feel close to and connected with the loved one whose physical presence we long to experience again, even years after we have survived our grief and made it through the “letting go” process more or less in one piece.
Letting go does not mean we stop holding on. Dad is holding on to Mom’s voice on a recording, and I think that is so very lovely.
About the Author: Linda Campanella is a management consultant, wife and mother who lives in West Hartford, CT. When All That’s Left of Me Is Love, Linda’s first book, was published in August 2011 (Tate Publishing & Enterprises), and it is an inspiring story of love and loss, family and faith, hope and hospice, grief and gratitude. The memoir has earned awards that include a silver medal in the 2012 Readers Favorite contest and first-place honors in two categories, including best memoir, in the 2012 ReaderViews literary awards program. Linda is particularly proud that her book was named a 2013 National Indie Excellence Book Awards finalist and a 2012 Nautilus Silver Award winner; the Nautilus book awards “are given to print books of exceptional merit that make a literary and heartfelt contribution to spiritual growth, conscious living, high-level wellness, green values, responsible leadership and positive social change.” More information about Linda and her moving memoir can be found at When All That’s Left of Me is Love and on Facebook.
Read another work by Linda: Gratitude for Unexpected Gifts and Bonds Unbroken