Broken Soul

by Tammy Craw

My name is Tammy. I am a 48-year-old single mother that raised three children on my own. On October 18th 2010, my life changed forever. This is my story.

Kyraa_1I had been taking my 18-year-old daughter, Kyraa, to doctors and emergency rooms for a year or more due to a very bad pain she continued to be getting in her stomach. They kept telling us it was due to her womanly, monthly visit. It just so happened that within the week, she would have her monthly cycle. Woman in our family had very bad cramping and were laid up a week or so before theirs, so I believed this was it. The pain did end up going away.

On June 10th 2010, I rushed my daughter to the hospital yet again for the same pains she had been having for at least a year or so. This time, they said it was GERD (Gastroesophageal reflux disease)
and sent her home.

The next night, after returning from Boston (I visited a friend with skin cancer), Kyraa was still in very bad pain. Even though she was in excruciating pain, she was watching the new x-men movie with her brother, Bryce, even though she had seen it already. I rushed her to a different hospital. They found she had stones in her gallbladder; one had become stuck in the bile duct. They scheduled her to have surgery first thing that morning to remove the stone, then the next day they would remove her gallbladder. There was a five percent chance she could get pancreatitis.

The surgery to remove the stone went well. At 3 am on June 12th, they woke me to tell me they were taking her to ICU; she had become septic and had acute pancreatitis. They ended up putting her in a medically induced coma. Seven days later, they had to life flight her to a bigger hospital from Lewiston, Maine to Portland, where she stayed in that coma for the next three and a half months. I lived at the Ronald McDonald house.

The middle of September, they were able to take her out of the coma. Every other day during this time she was having surgeries and had her stomach cut wide open as they tried to get control of her sepsis and everything else that came up.

Things were starting to look up at that point, when she was brought out of the coma, but on September 30th 2010, things took a turn for the worse. She had to be rushed to surgery and I was told she most likely would not make it. At this point, she had made it out of ICU and was on a wound care ward. She did make it through the surgery but was back in the coma and in ICU.

On October 16th at 3 am the hospital called me at the Ronald McDonald house, telling me I needed to get there, things had gone from bad to worse and she was not going to make it. I flew (drove fast) to the hospital. My mother was with me from Washington, Thank God. The doctors talked to me and asked me to make the decision to stop life support. It took me a very long time to say yes, stop it even though I was told she was brain dead. Finally, I gave in and stopped life support. That was and will forever be the hardest choice I have ever had to make. On October 18th, 11 days before her 19th birthday, I held my daughter, Kyraa, as she took her last breath. I am now forever broken, just as the rest of you who have lost a child. My love to you all.

One day the air,,,
Was knocked right out of me.
No matter how hard I tried,,,
I could not breathe.
The room around me,,,
Started spinning.
I could not comprehend,,,
What I was seeing.
Holding my daughter,,,
as she took her last breath.
Was like I was taking mine,,,
Describes it best.
Everything inside me,,,
Went completely dead.
The future I had,,,
Gone instead.
As my whole being,,,
Just physically hurt.
If anything was being said,,,
I could not hear a word.
Though it was all,,,
Right in front of my eyes.
My heart could not believe it,,,
Nor did my mind.
I could not tell you,,,
How long I laid there.
Holding her body,,,
Stroking her hair.
Telling her how sorry I was,,,
For all my mistakes.
Begging forgiveness,,,
Before she went away.
Felt I was really,,,
Not in that room.
For as she left,,,
My soul went to.
Left behind,,,
Was this empty shell.
To go on to face,,,
This living hell.
Time no longer,,,
Held any meaning.
Nothing helped,,,
That empty feeling.
What had happened,,,
To that empty hole.
Was it became,,,
My broken soul.
One that was once,,,
Made of steel.
That no amount of time,,,
Would ever heal.
As my soul,,,
Goes on with life.
Learning how to live,,,
Again inside.
Happiness again,,,
I will surely know.
But forever without my daughter,,,
Written By Tammy Craw
Sumner Maine
Copyrights 2013

Read Tammy’s other poem: The Trial

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