by Nicola Simpson
My daughter Abigail died on October 6th 2007. Abigail was fifteen years old when she got into her friend Scott’s car for a lift to a party in Castletown, Scotland; she was doing what thousands of other teenagers do every weekend. Little did she or I know that it was the last journey of her life.
Scott passed his driving test just three days earlier, young, foolish and showing off he overloaded his car, one passenger travelled in the trunk. Scott drove along the rural road towards Castletown, he saw his friend and overtook him, moments later his friend then overtook Scott. As they approached the thirty miles per hour speed limit coming into Castletown his friend slowed down, Scott overtook once more, the music loud, the kids enjoying themselves, Abigail was on the phone to her friend. But as Scott approached the corner he lost control. He hit the pillar at the end of the wall and Abigail took full impact, she was killed instantly. My life as good as ended that day too.
Feeling suicidal, I’ve wanted my own life to end a thousand times over. Wishing I could end this nightmare. But no, I still live on and at times I have wondered why? The pain inside, living without Abigail cuts so deep, it’s unimaginable. This is every parent’s worst nightmare and it’s now my life. I’ve often thought my husband Paul and our younger daughter Hannah are better off without me, I want to swim out to sea and not have the strength to come back. Take me, take my life, let me die. But no, I’m still here.
Phenomena began. Abigail could come home to me, her mum. I could hear her, sense her. Strange things were going on, was I going mad? I went to see a clairvoyant to understand what was happening, the things I was feeling and sensing. Abigail told me the events of that night. She was out having fun; Scott clipped the kerb, hit the wall and that was it. It was over.
The court case was harrowing, sitting with the driver in front of me, listening for days to the events that lead to the end of my daughter’s life. Watching an animation of the last journey she ever took, right to her last breath cut so deep within me, my chest felt tight, I couldn’t breathe, the feeling of pain and despair. Scott was found guilty of “Death by Dangerous Driving” and was sentenced to prison.
Slowly through crystal healing and meditation I started to heal. I discovered yoga and have never looked back, it helps me to find that inner peace within me. Glimpses of my own life began to return. Maybe I don’t want to die after all. Maybe I’m here for a reason, perhaps to show others that life does go on. I get up every day and put one foot in front of the other, no matter how tough it is. I want to live, I want to survive and we all can.
I moved to Cyprus in the Mediterranean with my husband and our daughter Hannah. A year later Paul and I separated, our lives have slowly grown apart. I’m pleased we are still good friends. He has been my rock and I couldn’t have got through so much of this without him. Hannah is now fifteen herself and living without her sister, the other half of her. Life must seem unbearable at times, but Hannah is like her dad; quiet and keeps her emotions locked inside. This journey isn’t easy for any of us.
But with the help of friends, family, amazing encounters and my own inner strength I eventually fought through depression and despair and confronted Scott four years later.
‘I don’t know if I’m brave or stupid’ is what I said as Scott’s father opened his front door. Moments later I sat in his living room, with Scott, the young man who killed my baby just across from me. No anger or hate left inside. I listened to him tell me what happened that night.
He cried ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.’ I felt his remorse. Months later, through writing my book I discovered something amazing, incredible in fact.
I found forgiveness.
My purpose for writing “Abigail’s Rainbow” and what’s driven me to continue at times when I felt I couldn’t relive anymore pain, was that I hope to show people who whatever they’re going through is normal. The suicidal thoughts, the anger we feel inside and that our heart wants to break, are thoughts that others have too. It’s alright to laugh and smile once more, we don’t have to feel guilty. This is the normal process of grieving and you’re not alone; I can feel all these emotions in one day.
For further information on my story, please visit Abigail’s Rainbow where you can read the first chapter of my book which is available to purchase through Amazon.com
Sending Love and Support around the World, Nicola Simpson xx
About the Author: I’m 39 and a grieving mum originally from Essex in the United Kingdom and now live in Cyprus. I come from a business background with no writing experience but decided after moving abroad to write my story to help others.
Sometimes I still feel like I struggle through each day but others I feel so alive and fantastic. I treasure my daughter Hannah but I don’t keep her under lock and key. We enjoy what we can and treasure the time we have together.