by Renee Olsen-Tyler
September 12, 2012
Not sure what is coming over me tonight
Another night in the roller coaster of this awesome journey
that I must walk
maybe you are near
but the tears flow
my heart aches deeply
In just a couple days it will be 7 months since you placed
your cowboy hat on me, kissed me put your strong arms around me
its going to be okay
You caressed my face
as you left thru those doors that changed our lives forever
Being around cowboys as long as I have
I know when they take it off and hand over that hat
they are going in for a fight
You went in for the fight of your life
you fought a good battle
“I need to be where I can see those Rocky mountains, ride my horse and watch an eagle fly
and when I die you can bury me beneath these western skies”- Chris Ledoux
One of our many fav Chris songs…
I still have your ashes, not ready to let them go…I may never be
maybe when it is my time to go
the kids can release us both in the mountains where we met outside
of Yellowstone all those years ago.
You stole my heart when you stayed at a temp summer job
because you shook on it to stay the season
I tell everyone it was your dog (wolf mix), wrangler butt and hat
I remember saying don’t be impressed cowboy I like your dog
but really it was your integrity and being a man
of your word all on a handshake.
I can’t smell leather w/o thinking of all your amazing work
over the years… kinda wish I had more of it still to pass on to the kids
but you chose to sell much of it to help with finances
when you were down with your knee injury
When you were feeling out how I really felt about us..you said these words:
If you climb in the saddle, be ready for the ride, could I live
with a broke cowboy that couldn’t buy me much but promised to care
for me… you used a Chris song when you officially proposed.
You always held me tight when I wasn’t sure with what life
tossed our way, even the day you went in
I know how scared you were facing the battle of your life
and where I tried to comfort you… it was your strong arms
around me to give me the strength to continue fighting for us both
LOL I remember when you bought me the dully
and the frame for the truck tags: silly cowboys…trucks are for cowgirls
you said there was no point in having one truck
I would take yours so we had to have 2.
Today is just one of those saddle up a horse, ride towards the horizon,
and never look back kind of days.
But here I sit listening to your wind-chimes,
can’t help that I am going down memory lane
missing you dearly.
Wishing you were here to put your arms around
me so that I can feel that security once again.
I want to honor your wishes and move on
but when it comes down to it… no one comes close to comparing to the
rare treasure I had in you.
I am strong this I know
I will be fine..this I know
but my heart aches only for you
I know whomever I am with will never replace you
the amazing husband and father
but will need to enhance and add to my life
As we discussed you are going to have to show him to me
open my eyes that he is the one
thus far I haven’t seen anyone
I am thinking this one will take longer than the rest
of the to do list, the heart is still far too hurt and not ready.
I miss the company
I can sit here with all the what ifs and whys but it comes down to
Being afraid of doing something and not doing it because of worrying
about how it will end could be the greatest mistakes you will make.
We could have chosen to not do surgery
but what if the Dr. was right you had only a couple months
if you did nothing… granted as it turned out
you only had a couple months with doing something
I know everything happens for a reason…
I still believe this with every fiber of my being
I just wish I understood why
our forever was cut short
and in time I know I will see a little more light
You lived by the motto:
If I don’t fit your social class…you can kiss my country ass
I use to tell you that you were socially unacceptable
and really and truly you were, but I loved you anyhow
Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage.
I think this fits us perfectly, our hands fit like a glove
your kisses and just one look always swept me off my feet
we had our bumps, we worked our way thru and overcame
Tomorrow I am going to pick myself up, dust off but for tonight
I am living memories of you, of us…
every time I hear a love song,
every time I see a happy couple,
every time I find a saying about love,
every time I think of you instantly.
I saw a falling star tonight
maybe just maybe it was a kiss from you to me
to say you are here, cheer up everything is going to be okay.
In life we are given two hands, two eyes, two legs, and two ears.
but only one heart…it was so we can find the other one and you definitely
were the other one.
Visit Renee’s blog, Saloli Happenings
Carl N. Olsen Jr.
June 10, 1959 – March 23, 2012