by Michelle Murray
When I found out about my son’s heart problem at my 18 week ultrasound, I was devastated. When my little boy, Tyler, subsequently died at seven weeks of age, my whole world fell apart. His story, however, shows how resilience, love and wisdom of the human spirit can bring forward hope, healing, and new possibilities. I truly believe that something beautiful can come out of something so tragic. After the death of my son, I probed, pondered and dissected what had happened and why it had happened. It wasn’t until I went on to have two healthy baby girls that I felt somewhat whole again. During this time, I was able to do all the things that you get to do as a mother. One of those things is filling out a baby book of all your babies’ firsts.
However, while I was filling out my girls’ books, I was heartbroken that I did not have a baby book for my son. He deserved a book of his very own. I wanted something I could have to pass on from generation to generation. It was important for me to have something tangible to remind me of Tyler.
I also had such a strong desire to do something in his memory, so I decided to create and self-publish I Will Hold You In My Heart Forever… A baby book for little angels. Tyler has stretched my capacity to love far beyond what it used to be and I realized that there are a lot of mothers out there that are going through the same thing as I was. The grief that is felt after losing a baby is by far one of the most profound griefs that can assault the human spirit.
Reading the email responses I have gotten from mothers who have purchased a book sends waves of calm over me and has helped me reach an even deeper inner peace. It is an amazing feeling to share a connection with people from all across the world. People started telling me how much they admired my strength in coping with Tyler’s death. Then this awful heavy tragedy starts to feel, at times, like a rare joy, a special gift. Tyler has touched all these lives, and made all these moments possible.
My patience in talking to other parents who’ve lost an infant seems endless. Knowing we all need others who are willing to reach out, listen and understand; I trained to be a grief facilitator for Bereaved Families of Ontario. It has brought me great comfort in reflecting on my own pain and loss, and the larger sense of my life.
Occasionally, I still get teary-eyed at the sight of a little boy or when something around me triggers a memory, but I know that Tyler has left his footprints on this world and he will always remain in my heart forever.
About the Author: Michelle Murray has written I Will Hold You In My Heart Forever… A baby book for little angels in memory of her son, Tyler. If you would like to order her book, you may contact Michelle through her website.